Azzies are doing it for themselves.
Read Time: 2 mins (If you are child-free to be able to read it!)
Right … who is ready for a good old fashion mom-moan. I am currently knee deep in human life and these little azzies (assholes) have taken me down to China town over the last few days. I attempted to do a beaut activity yesterday morning; take my rats to the beach, have a little stroll along the promenade and maybe a brekkie post activity but nooooo the toddler (2yrs of terror and some change) insisted on a melt down over the jersey she was wearing. Obviously when life offends you that much it is necessary to scream your head off at any opportunity. My hand was itching but due to the public arena I opted at hissing at her rather, threw her little pink bike back in the boot and serial killer calm strap her back in her car seat … “Fun is over because you are being an absolute brat. This behaviour is totally unacceptable. I am highly cheesed off with you at the moment. No more treats for you for the next year!!” … what the azzie hears … “Fun, cheese, treats.”
Windows rolled up and the noise of the engine muffling (hate that word but it’s too late … it is in) the sound of the chaos. The toddler cried, the boy child cried, because he had now been woken up to hysteria, and I cried. With only 3 hours of sleep under my belt I thought it would be appropriate to join the sob squad, turn up the music so they couldn’t hear the profanity about to come out of my mouth, and scream “f*********ck!” into the steering wheel. Jeeeeez children bring out a childish side of us!
I fear that one of the biggest challenges of becoming a mother is learning to get a grip and dig deep when your children are administering some good ol’fashion Chinese torture.
Mothering is the skill of; learning to control an onset of sleep-deprived, zero-personal-space rage attacks that start to boil up from the epicentre. It is accepting that you may mot complete a sentence for the next 5 years while you cradle your cold hot beverage, thinking about the good ol’days. It is being covered in at least one patch of siffness (be it snot, puke or, heaven forbid, borsha (poo)). It is the art of lowering expectations on your To Do list – the success is now in completing at least half of one item on the list. It is the theatre of keeping your cool in front of other moms and then unleashing the fury when you get home.
Our mom tried to be sweet, … or funny, and put this picture up of a toddler in our WhatsApp group the other day. The caption read “ Two isn’t terrible, it is learning, and growing and exploring” or some bullshit to that effect. I am convinced that the person who invented the “delete for everyone” on WhatsApp chat is, in fact, a mother and she knew it would be imperative that we would, one day, need to be able to release the beast of feeling fury … aaaaand theeeeen delete! What followed after our mom’s attempt to be encouraging about our terrible twos, was a wake of This message was deleted and This message was deleted and This message was deleted from my sister and I. Neither of us wanting to have record of us calling our children names that should be saved for bad drivers and rashy husbands.
The trick really is in the coping, the repetition (e.g. driving home the please and thank yous) and even more so in the acceptance of it. If you fight it, the struggle of kids will bitch slap you so hard you won’t know whether you are coming or going. My sister always says that there are clichés for a reason and it couldn’t be more true when it comes to kids. Don’t get me wrong here, I am not saying take these little buggers lying down and let them run amok; they need discipline and boundaries otherwise they really do become unpleasant little azzies … for everyone! I’m talking about accepting the change that they bring to your life. Accept that they are going to drive you wild … and beyond, murder your social life … for a couple of years, test your patience daily … 2yr olds … hourly … and that they will rock the boat like no other … the ultimate shitstorm.
There will be days when you swear like a sailor, think thoughts that would give the devil a run for his money and moments where you think I honestly. CANNOT. do this for one. more. second!. And that’s when you need to let it kick in … the serial killer calm, the ‘bring it bitch’ attitude, the ‘I will take you down small human’ face. When my mates have babies, what follows my congratulations is always “Just remember you are physically and mentally stronger than they are”. The advice seems useless at the time but suddenly when you are experiencing ‘not so motherly, #blessed’ feelings that’s when the penny drops and you need to step it up a gear. Chaos attracts chaos so if you can whoooooosa for one short moment, you can get a grip and you are on your way to check mate.
You will always always always LOVE your babies there is no two ways about that so don’t beat yourself up for having moments where you don’t like them. I think I say this in every blog, but find mom friends who make you feel kiff about yourself, who will laugh with you when you are raging the pants off of your kids, who will support your decisions to smack or verbally try control them (I’m laughing inside at this one … toddlers are out of control and my verbal resort is the threat of speckled eggs never making their way into our house again!). But seriously, you need all the support you can get so dust the mates who make you feel judged. Mom guilt is so kak and the last thing you need are people adding to it.
Our OBB 4’s husband, while we are sitting around laughing at how dickish children can be, always says “Children are a heavy happiness” and then we laugh and laugh and laugh and then someone let’s out a good ol’ ‘ahhhhhh f*ck!.
Have a beaut weekend and to all the moms who need to implement the serial killer calm over the next few days just remember we are in your corner!