This goes out to all my hommies who are having a mare of a week trying to juggle life at the moment. Mother f*cker this has been heckies. I am currently hiding up stairs from my kids, having been out this morning in my kiff high-waisted jeans covered in child mush and my pajama top, which has a smudge of some kind … here’s to hoping it is Bovril!
I should have known the mothering gods where against me this morning when my boy child twisted like a seal doing tricks at Ushaka Marine World, during a nappy change. He spun borsha (poo) in all directions; covering himself in it, my white ‘Mrs’ gown (white … stupid, stupid, stupid colour to own with children) and the floor. I was mock charging for the A-team and pulling wet wipes out of the packet at a pace that would have made Lewis Hamilton proud. I could not get to it fast enough as the little bastard crawled off and smudged his way to the door. It made me so sad! F*ck.
I am balls deep in graft too so the mothering guilt is so fierce at the moment. Today, I thought I would take a little time out with the rats, take the girl child for a beaut activity to see her little mate and the boy one swimming. Look, this isn’t my first rodeo with a one part parent and two part kid activity so I don’t know why I thought the mission would be successful … Expectations … the thing that shaft us as mothers.
The girl one threw a major tantrum. The boy one cried; teething, the sister giving it stick and over-tired. Teeeeeeeth – total design flaw. WTF. Just come out already – I know we need you because we can’t gum our way through the rest of our lives but jeeeez you are not the f*cking Royal Family that need to make such a long winded entrance into the mouth of a child that can’t speak English yet, to communicate that all they need is a hit of Calpol or that they are hungry or that their bum is itchy. Just when we thought we could get a grip on life … teeth. When we thought we could sleep again … teeth. When we thought there was a glimpse of our personalities returning … teeth.
If I was ever asked to brand ‘new teeth’, I would 100% make the logo an asshole and the catch phrase would be “Teeth … kicking mothers back into line since … well the beginning of time!”.
Don’t even get me started on a two year old. I have no energy to put into words this time. I’m sitting at my computer for the second time today (the first was at 3am – 5am this morning to try and get some stuff done) with siff greasy hair, still in my pajama top and just had a peak at my underarms … not pretty!
I think if I had to narrow it down for the girl one it would probably be the high pitched shrieking and whining that sends me so far over the edge that there is sometimes no return.
Needless to say, I didn’t make it to swimming because the boy child face planted on some stones, the girl one was just generally offended by life and I am so eggies (exhausted that the thought of being in a costume, trying to suck in my mom boep and tuck away the ol’spiders (fanny hair; for those of you who are also too tired to think about what I am talking about) … I just couldn’t be arsed!
So for those of you who are feeling like this is a real FS kinda day – let it all hang out sisters; we’ll get it together eventually! More is nog ‘n dag and we can start again then. Head down and we will converse again soon when I have washed my hair, shaved my pits and changed my shirt. #sosiffrightnow